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Starting preschool
is a significant step into the "big world." Whether you
are a first-time parent or an "old-timer" who's been through
the experience before, separation can be challenging-for both you
and your child. It brings up difficult feelings. Learning to deal
with the pain of separation begins in infancy and continues throughout
our lives. We want to work with you to help you make your child's
transition to preschool as positive as possible. Over the
years, we have learned a great deal about separation and how to
make it an easier transition for you and your child.
Saying "good
bye" is never easy! Separation can be agony for both parent
and child. For young children facing their first experience
in preschool (or daycare), this major separation from Mommy
and Daddy can arouse great fears: |
- "Is
Mommy (or Daddy/Grandma, etc.) really coming back?"
- "Who
will be there to take care of me?
- "Whom
can I trust?"
Remember,
this separation anxiety is completely normal for young
children.
Our job
is to help our children feel safe in the world by helping
them to master separation by becoming more and more independent.
How does this happen? Children learn to deal with separation
by making new attachments in safe settings. Over time, with
continued exposure to predictable substitute caregivers, children
learn to adapt to new surroundings.
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a child creates new bonds. But most important, a young child
learns that he or she will not be abandoned! Mommy (or
Daddy, or Grandma...) does indeed return! This is about
the development of TRUST that children will need for a lifetime.
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We have to separate
from our children just as much as they have to separate from us.
We are learning to let go just as intensively as they are. It is
hard on both of us because we are so connected. As a parent,
we are in an active relationship with our child. This relationship
is like a dance. It's the dance of "attachment." We go
back and forth in response to each other. One person takes a step,
then the other person take a step in reaction. When one person is
scared, the other feels it. We work in rhythm with each other. Most
parents will say "I know he has to do this...but it's hard
on me!" That is because we are so connected. We
experience our child's fear--then we feel fearful.
Early separation causes a kind of grief reaction for us as parents.
There is a temporary wrenching inside that hurts and causes us pain.
Many times we feel ambivalent, full of conflicting feelings. We
are happy about this new milestone in our child's growth, but we
are also hesitant about how our child will survive "out there"
in the world without our protection. It is very normal for
parents to feel depressed, helpless, and sometimes even guilty about
leaving a child. The intense feelings we experience can make separation
all the more difficult for our child. It's important not to judge
ourselves for having these feelings, but to understand them and
look at them carefully. We may want to examine the impact of our
feelings on our child.
Moving out and coming back again. Pushing away, then pulling back
in. Joy and loss. There is happiness in watching our child take
a step into the world, yet we experience the sadness of their growing-up.
It is never an even process. We have all experienced this with our
child. As one parent says, "…it pulls on my heart strings
and stirs up my own anxieties, yet is gratifying to watch."
Throughout childhood, we notice that separation is a paradoxical
process. For every move "away" that our child takes, there
is an inevitable return to "home base" before the next
foray out. There is regression before progression. Sometimes there
is a period of uncertainty or crankiness before a new developmental
leap. Toddlers have to go through tantrums, in order to develop
a strong sense of "Me." Adolescents' rebellion and anger
at us helps them to let go and grow-up.
Even though
we think of the gradual loosening of mother-child bonds when
we think of separation, fathers (and siblings) play a pivotal
role in the shifting and restructuring process. In many families,
it is father who pushes mother and child on to the next developmental
step. He is the one to suggest that it is time to move the bassinet
out of the marital bedroom, time to try the back-pack, time
to try a sitter for a night out, or time to try out a new activity.
At each
new stage of our children's lives, the whole family must reorganize!
Each time our child takes a step out into the world, our internal
and external boundaries have to shift, as our family must
respond and accommodate to new ideas, new friends, and new
capabilities born of growth in our children. All this shifting
and changing means transition for all of us!
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The danger
is that unless parents handle their side of separation anxiety,
they may unknowingly reinforce a child's fears. Without our
even being aware of it, our children absorb our unspoken thoughts
and feelings. In other words, our worry can trigger our child's
worry. Then, he is forced to carry our pain as well as his!
Struggling with so much emotion can make a successful adjustment
to preschool very difficult. A child thinks: "If Mommy
is worried and sad, she must believe that I can't make it."
Unknowingly, we then reinforce our child's fear that he cannot
survive the separation from Mommy. He may then put his energy
into sadness and a "big fight," rather than turning
to coping systems that would help him settle in and experience
that he can have fun with other children and caregivers. |
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We may need to pay attention to our feelings and even re-evaluate
our decision:
Do I really want my child to attend preschool now?
Is s/he really ready? Am I really ready to let go yet? Am I
doing this because I truly think this is right?
Or am I responding to "social pressure"?
There
is no one "right" time for a child to come to school.
We believe that parents know themselves and their child best,
and we encourage parents to trust themselves in this
decision. Many times a child or parent who is not ready one
year will be eager and ready the next.
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Our attitudes towards separation have deep roots in our past. We
bring all this history with us like "luggage" from generation
to generation. Many of our difficulties with separation are related
to our own childhood experiences or to our mother's or father's
difficulties with separation. Family attitudes and behaviors around
the issue of how its members achieve emotional closeness and separation
are two of the most influential dynamics that family therapists
regularly work with. Each generation adds its layer to the separation
struggle and the way it is handled. As one mother comments:
"Each
time I agonize over a separation from my children, I feel my mother
behind my shoulder agonizing over a separation from me, and the
ghost of her mother behind her, not really wanting to let go…."
As young adults
and new parents, many of us are still working out separation issues
with our own parents. We feel the tug and pull, and we notice ourselves
struggling in familiar old battles with our parents about how much
emotional power or influence we allow them to have in our lives.
This becomes especially thorny when we suddenly have a child of
our own. If one parent in a couple has had an easier time with separations
growing up, he or she can help the family navigate the transitions
more evenly. Often, it is the husband who challenges or changes
the chemistry between his wife and her parents, and later between
his wife and their children.
What happens
when we have not successfully dealt with separation issues with
our own parents? We see this when we are still fighting with our
own parents to achieve separation or when we are still overly emotionally
connected to our parents and we don't feel free to pull away. It
impacts the way we parent. We see both ends of the separation continuum
played out with our own children. Either we pull our kids in
too tightly and hinder their separation by having trouble letting
go--or we avoid getting too close to our kids to begin with and
stay somewhat detached, in order to avoid the pain of separation
all together. Either way causes problems.
- If
we are too connected to our parents…
On the one hand, if we are still caught in feeling overly connected
or overly loyal to our own parents, we may find that our child's
steps towards separation feel like a betrayal, and we have trouble
letting go. We may feel we must know his every secret and feel
his every feeling in order to feel he is really close and connected
to us. This robs a child of privacy and autonomy, which limits
the full blossoming of his identity. On the other hand, if we
are still fighting for independence from our own parents, our
separation struggles may cause us to take the opposite course
with our own children and substitute under-involvement for getting
too close. The under-involved parent may give the child so much
psychic space that the child feels uncared for and unconnected.
- If
we felt abandoned by our parents…
If we felt abandoned in some significant way in childhood--either
physically or emotionally--by our own parent(s), we may
worry deeply about leaving our own children. We may have
trouble saying goodbye and walking away, fearing what will
happen to them or how they will feel. Often what we are
re-experiencing at those moments is our own loss as a child.
We may unknowingly project our own pain on to our child,
which heightens his anxiety and hinders his transition.
This can keep us from reading our child's feelings and reactions
accurately.
We all
carry emotional baggage. No one escapes this. The key is to
understand ourselves so that we can make conscious
choices about how we want to parent.
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One crucial
part of the lifelong process of separation is the continual
gauging of the comfortable amount of distance and closeness.
To navigate this challenging course takes patience and awareness.
Not only do we have to understand our own "booby traps,"
but we also have to be sensitive to our children's individual
differences and needs, along with what developmental tasks
they are mastering.
We need
to allow our children "enough rope" to grow--but
not so much that they strangle themselves! We need to learn
how to "check in" (to their needs and feelings)--and
also how to "check out" and stand back, allowing
them to negotiate their own way in this long process. I like
the metaphor Dr. Brazelton uses to describe this delicate
balance. He calls it "…leaving the back door
ajar so a child can go in and out at will." The open
door lets the child know that it is safe to separate, but
it is also just fine to come back inside again. And we will
be there, waiting, with comforting arms.
Parents and teachers are partners in easing the separation
process for young children. We want to work with you to help
the transition go more smoothly. Here are a few ideas that
may help ease children's separation anxiety and encourage
their adjustment to preschool.
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Preparation
is the best prevention.
Children need lots of time to absorb change. |
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Talk
about what is going to be happening. Think of it
as a play rehearsal! Knowing what to expect gives children
a feeling of mastery over unfamiliar situations. |
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Talk
about anticipated feelings: "I'm going to miss
you and you're going to miss me, but you're going to have a
pretty special time. You're going to have children to play with
and teachers who care about you, and I'll come back for you
before lunch time and you can tell me all about it." |
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Don't
contaminate your child with your own anxiety.
Your anxiety makes it all the more difficult for children to
believe that you will be OK without them (and that you believe
they will be OK). Children are finely attuned to our feelings.
Sometimes they pick up our worry and they misunderstand the
meaning. Children whose parents are exceedingly anxious about
separation often begin to worry that "Mommy/Daddy won't
be all right without me." They can misinterpret their
parents' feelings as a message NOT to become independent and
try new things. |
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The
more a child can talk about his fears, the easier it is to cope
with them. Try to move past the worry that if you
talk about it, you'll make your child's fears worse. This is
simply not true. Talking about feelings helps children to gain
control over them. Not talking about fearful feelings increases
their intensity and children feel more alone. |
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Read
your child books about starting school or starting day care.
Look for books that have separation themes. Stories that tell
about fictional characters mastering the difficulties of saying
goodbye, learning to trust new caretakers, and having positive
experiences away from home are comforting to children. They
offer a child a chance to "prepare in fantasy." (See
book suggestions at bottom of the page.) |
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Be
creative. Use your child's dolls or animals to play going to
school. Through play, help your child visualize what
is going to happen and how the sequence of events will unfold.
"Let's pretend Bunny is going to school. First ..."
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Help your child learn
self-talk to soothe himself. Act out going to school.
You play the part of the child. Dramatize positive coping behaviors
for your child to imitate. For instance, you might pretend to
be a child going to preschool and saying goodbye to Mommy. Pretend
that you start to feel worried. Dramatize, telling yourself,
"I'll have lots of fun with the other kids and I know
the teachers really care about me. They will keep me safe."
Remind yourself, "Mommy will be back soon. She always
comes back to get me." |
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Make a plan with
your child for how you will say goodbye. Maybe
you will give him a kiss and a hug or a "high five,"
say a silly rhyme, use magic words, give a secret handshake,
whisper a secret code, or rub noses. |
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The important thing
is to decide on a plan and tell your child ahead of time
what will happen: "I'm going to go
in the door with you and we'll hang up your jacket. Then
I'm going to give you a BIG kiss and hug and say goodbye.
Then I'll give you to your teacher and she'll take you
to Story Time with the other children Then, I'm going
to go to ________ and I'll come back for you at the end
of school." |
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Rituals are important.
Use them to help your child leave home. For example, encourage
your child to give his teddy a kiss goodbye that stays
on until he returns. If teddy can't be found in the morning's
rush, have him put his kiss in an envelope where you will
keep it and save it and give it to him when you find him. |
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Tuck a snapshot
of you in your child's pocket. Then, when he
misses you, he can have a picture handy to look at and
make him feel better. A note or a kiss on paper will also
work, or a spray of your cologne on a Kleenex for his
pocket. |
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Find a "Worry
Stone" for your child to carry with him. You
and your child can search outdoors together for a beautiful,
smooth "worry stone." Put the stone in your
child's pocket for him to touch when he gets worried at
school. Tell him it will make him feel better. Rubbing
the stone helps a child to relieve anxiety. It gives him
a plan of action to cope with his sometimes overwhelming
feelings. We all feel better when we have some sense of
control over life's events. |
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Prepare yourself
for your child's psychic tiredness after a
few long hours in unfamiliar surroundings. He will have
used up a lot of coping energy. Many children come home
tired and cranky, even though they had a good time. |
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Find a supportive
ear for your own feelings. Talking helps! Drop
by and chat with Anne in the office. |
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Be
aware of your child's temperament. Each child is
unique. Expect your child to behave as he normally does with
any change. A child with an easy, out-going temperament will
respond differently and have different needs than a shy, reserved
child. Let the teachers know about your child's temperament
needs and differences. |
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"Transitional
Objects" can help. We believe you should allow
your child to bring his blanket, teddy bear, or most favorite
"comforter" to school. (Some parents have actually
cut off a corner of their child's blanket and have pinned it
to the inside of their child's pocket, where he can touch it,
as needed.) In the Early Preschool, very young children may
need to carry it with them at first. For older children in the
Preschool, dragging blankets can sometimes get in the way of
doing a job or playing with other children. There, we will encourage
a child to keep his "comforter" in his classroom cubby
where he can go to it if he needs the comfort of home and safety.
As mentioned, tucking a picture of you (or a special note, a
tissue with your cologne, or your kiss on a piece of paper)
into his pocket can provide reassurance throughout the day.
Our long-term goal is to gradually wean a child from his transitional
object while he is at school. As children become more comfortable
and engaged in their new environment, this happens naturally.
(NOTE:
We discourage bringing toys/action figures, etc. to
school. They only cause problems between children.)
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Be positive
as you walk in with your child. Let your words communicate
a feeling of safety, giving the message: "This is a
good place to be." Your child takes his cues from you.
Remember, your worry is contagious! |
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It's perfectly
normal for your child to say "I don't want to go!!!"
Just don't make the mistake of thinking that you should turn
around and go home! This is the worst thing you can do. Remind
yourself that this is how your child is feeling in the moment.
His fear of separating from you has just "kicked in."
Instead of giving up, try to understanding. |
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Reflect your child's
feelings...then give some words of empowerment. "I
know you're feeling scared...but you're going to have a good
time with the other children once you get settled in. You know
that Mommy always comes back" |
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Please follow the
rules for drop-off and pick-up in your child's classroom.
It will calm your child to follow along with the routine
of all the other children. He will come to rely on the
predictability of this structure and it will give him
security. Try to be punctual, so that your child does
not become unsettled by things looking different than
expected. |
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Keep
your goodbye ritual at school consistent! Children
feel most secure with repetition. |
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Do what you say!
Always follow through with what you have told your child
you will do. If you don't follow through, your child will
learn not to trust your words. If your child begs and
screams for you to say longer, say: "No, that
wasn't our deal, remember?" and then finish your
goodbye ritual and leave. Enlist the teacher's help here,
too. |
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Always say goodbye!
Never sneak out, thinking that not seeing you go will
be easier on your child. It won't! He will only panic
when he discovers that you are gone and his terror will
be intensified because he does not know what has happened
to you. This only increases his fears. |
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Don't
wait for your child to give you permission to go.
This rarely happens! Your child is bonded to you and he feels
sad when he has to say goodbye. When you keep delaying your
departure, all it does is keep your child from "making
the break" with you and letting go. It stops him from engaging
with new caretakers and settling into the fun of school and
new friends. Teachers tell us that these children are especially
anxious and on edge, waiting for the "shoe to drop."
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Once you have
said your last goodbye, JUST LEAVE! Whatever
you do, try very hard not to turn around and come back
at your child's first whimper. This communicates that
you're not sure leaving is the right thing to do. It also
communicates your uncertainty about your child's ability
to survive without you. It will almost certainly lengthen
the separation process and make it all the more painful
for the both of you. |
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Try
to do your chatting and connecting with other parents
outside the classroom. Sometimes this can even
confuse him about whether you are staying or leaving.
Your child needs you to focus just on him during his good-by
time. |
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Don't keep going
back into the classroom. If you rush back into
the classroom "just to check on him" when he
is barely holding it together, you will likely stir up
his anxiety again. Now he has to go through the trauma
of separation all over again. This can really hamper him
from learning to trust that he can be comforted by his
teachers and bond with them. A better solution would be
to ask one of us in the office to check on your child.
We're more than happy to do it. |
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Talk
to us if your child needs extra help. If you know
your child needs something different to help him or her handle
the separation process, please call Marilyn or talk to one of
the teachers ahead of time and we will work with you. Each parent
knows their own child, and we want to honor different needs
and styles. |
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Remember,
it's a parent's job to initiate help. The teachers
want to support you and your child in making a positive transition
from home to school. But they can't be mind readers! Try to
communicate clearly what is needed. |
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Keep
your good-by ritual at school consistent!
Children feel most secure with repetition. |
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Ask
your child's teacher for specific feedback about
how your child's day was after you left. Most children settle
in and do just fine, but you need to hear that reassurance for
yourself. |
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Congratulate
your child and say: "Look what you did! You
really did it! Even though you were scared, you stayed and had
a good time at school." |
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Listen
to your child. Let him talk about his feelings. Use
active listening: "You really missed Mommy. You get
scared…and you worry that Mommy won't come back."
Try to discover what your child is most afraid of. |
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Reassure him with
reality: "I know you get worried. But
remember, Mommy always comes back! Mommy comes to pick
you up when you finish playing outside on the playground
and then we go home and have lunch and have our time together." |
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Invite another
child and mom from preschool over for play.
Help your child's friendship-making skills. There is nothing
like a having a special friend to go to after saying good-by
to mom! |
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Expect "separation setbacks" and try not to panic.
Anxious feelings may reappear with more intensity on Mondays
(or Tuesdays), after vacations, during and after illness, during
times of family change or upheaval (separation, divorce, new
baby, a move to a new home), or when there is a teacher change.
Try to ride these out, knowing that regression at such times
is very normal in young children. |
Mommy Doesn't Know My Name by Suzanne Williams
I Love You All Day Long by Francesca Rusackas
The Kissing Hand by Ruth Harper and Nancy Leak / $16.95 (Chester
Racoon starts school for the first time.)
A Dinofours Book: It's Time For School by Steve Metzger /
$2.95 (A nice story that children can identify with.)
Who's Going to Take Care of Me? By Michelle Magorian
Nathan's Day at Preschool by Susan Conlin and Susan Friedman
Sources
I Swore Id Never Do That/Recognizing Family Patterns and Making
Wise Choices by E Fishel
Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss by Claudia Jarratt
"Separation," by Sandra Crosser, PhD, Early Childhood
News, May/June 1997
"Easing Separation," Scholastic Pre-K Today, Aug/Sept
1991
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